Walking alongside with depression.
I was carrying a few dark secrets for about two years now… That’s why I’m very close to my blog more than anything else in this world. I pushed everyone especially my mom faraway from me. The guilt, the horror, the pain, just the whole crumbling sticky nightmares were locked in the caves of my soul. I didn’t know what was happening to me and I couldn’t explain why I was getting such intrusive, wild, manic and pervasive thoughts. Throughout the struggle, I managed to stay alive. During the hardest times, all I wanted to know was an answer to my big fat WHY. At one point, I gave myself two choices, either to end my life or tell it out to someone. Telling out to someone was more scarier to me and recently, I did contemplated suicide. I was on the edge of falling. My mom was there to catch me. The things my grandma said to me came to my mind. I prayed. I prayed long and hard. I cried my heart out. I felt so lost. I couldn’t hear myself but I knew I can’t give up and it was then I called out all the names of every Gods in every religion. The ones I knew and the ones I haven’t heard of… I was in so much pain… mentally. I couldn’t break free. I was trapped and I couldn’t see the light. I couldn’t breathe and every breath made me question my existence. 
I don’t know what came over me one day… Maybe because the two people in the world (my mom and grandma) who love me a lot and want to see me get better pushed me to climb out of the gutter to save myself. I told them, “you know what, I think I’ll just go see a psychiatrist, I need help”. And that was how my journey began

I’m not yet out of the forest but I’m out of the jungle.
This is my experience, the more negativity we exude the more we gravitate and attract the like. One by one people left out of my life and one by one good things came to me. I took time to think of the kind of people I allowed into my life. When I’m good, I attract the good and when I’m feeling horribly down, a lot of negativity surrounds my life. 
Before being this journey, I often said this to others, “give yourself the permission to forgive and you’ll feel better”. I never took that advice… Like how many of us listen to our own advice? Anyway the same advice was given to me a few weeks ago. It was kind of an eyeopening thing for me because when hearing those words coming from someone else made me feel different, made me look at myself differently… I realized that I’m someone who never forgives herself. I hold on to the pain. I used to self-harming myself, I’m used to collecting bad memories like money and instead of collecting good memories, I often trapped myself in sadness and madness because that seemed normal for me. I don’t know why I’ve become the way I am today… I think I know why… I do know why but I don’t know how to explain it and it’s better left unsaid… I don’t like being the way I’ve become and I know I need to change. Time is running out and I want to grow not stale. 
I came to learn that I need to build a piece of me. A piece of me which I subconsciously or maybe purposely left in all the place that tore me into pieces.
I simply need to let go, forgive myself and move on.  

Through this journey, I’ve collected some good words: there’s a cure…. 2015 will be a good year for all of us… you’re getting better and I hope to see you get even more better…. never, never give up hope… there is still hope and lastly, don’t take the step you took forward to backward! 

Walking alongside with depression.

I was carrying a few dark secrets for about two years now… That’s why I’m very close to my blog more than anything else in this world. I pushed everyone especially my mom faraway from me. The guilt, the horror, the pain, just the whole crumbling sticky nightmares were locked in the caves of my soul. I didn’t know what was happening to me and I couldn’t explain why I was getting such intrusive, wild, manic and pervasive thoughts. Throughout the struggle, I managed to stay alive. During the hardest times, all I wanted to know was an answer to my big fat WHY. At one point, I gave myself two choices, either to end my life or tell it out to someone. Telling out to someone was more scarier to me and recently, I did contemplated suicide. I was on the edge of falling. My mom was there to catch me. The things my grandma said to me came to my mind. I prayed. I prayed long and hard. I cried my heart out. I felt so lost. I couldn’t hear myself but I knew I can’t give up and it was then I called out all the names of every Gods in every religion. The ones I knew and the ones I haven’t heard of… I was in so much pain… mentally. I couldn’t break free. I was trapped and I couldn’t see the light. I couldn’t breathe and every breath made me question my existence. 

I don’t know what came over me one day… Maybe because the two people in the world (my mom and grandma) who love me a lot and want to see me get better pushed me to climb out of the gutter to save myself. I told them, “you know what, I think I’ll just go see a psychiatrist, I need help”. And that was how my journey began

image

I’m not yet out of the forest but I’m out of the jungle.

This is my experience, the more negativity we exude the more we gravitate and attract the like. One by one people left out of my life and one by one good things came to me. I took time to think of the kind of people I allowed into my life. When I’m good, I attract the good and when I’m feeling horribly down, a lot of negativity surrounds my life. 

Before being this journey, I often said this to others, “give yourself the permission to forgive and you’ll feel better”. I never took that advice… Like how many of us listen to our own advice? Anyway the same advice was given to me a few weeks ago. It was kind of an eyeopening thing for me because when hearing those words coming from someone else made me feel different, made me look at myself differently… I realized that I’m someone who never forgives herself. I hold on to the pain. I used to self-harming myself, I’m used to collecting bad memories like money and instead of collecting good memories, I often trapped myself in sadness and madness because that seemed normal for me. I don’t know why I’ve become the way I am today… I think I know why… I do know why but I don’t know how to explain it and it’s better left unsaid… I don’t like being the way I’ve become and I know I need to change. Time is running out and I want to grow not stale. 

I came to learn that I need to build a piece of me. A piece of me which I subconsciously or maybe purposely left in all the place that tore me into pieces.

I simply need to let go, forgive myself and move on.  

image

Through this journey, I’ve collected some good words: there’s a cure…. 2015 will be a good year for all of us… you’re getting better and I hope to see you get even more better…. never, never give up hope… there is still hope and lastly, don’t take the step you took forward to backward! 

Source: coffeestainedbooks.net dec2014 writings personal depression archived2014

November is gone.

Sometimes when people walk out of your life or when you walk out of someone’s life. Be thankful for it and don’t go back digging the grave you once sealed. If things aren’t working out, leave but don’t ever leave a person hanging without answers. It isn’t right and hurting a soul unintentionally or intentionally is wrong.

Take a break but when you do take a break, be respectful to the other person and let them know that you want to put a full stop to the relationship. If not, they will not know what’s going on in your head and they will always end up having other ideas brewing up at the back of their mind.

Be responsible of your actions and take the initiative to write them an email to let them know what’s going on and do remember when you start the conversation, always end it. Learn to leave with grace. It’s very disrespectful when you start a conversation and not reply to what the other person have to say. I’ve always found such people to be repulsive and I’m glad that their colours are coming out. It also shows that you never respected the person enough to end the conversation you started.

At the end of it all, the journey you were on and what you have learned from it matters. Carry that when you go on to build new bridges but before burning the old bridge you once tread to comfort your soul at some point deserves some healing as well. 

dec2014 personal writings diary journal Archived2014
matthewb

matthewb

Revert.io just added free backup for Tumblr accounts. It’s by invitation only while they bed it in, but join the wait list and they’ll get you in as soon as they can. The service keeps an independent backup of all post types (excludes audio and video streams but grabs everything else, including photos), and can restore individual posts as draft items in the event something goes awry. They also support a handful of other apps as both free and paid options, including MailChimp, Campaign Monitor, Evernote and more.

matthewb dec2014 yay finally we can backup our content let's go
Craft winter globes with Mason Jar
What you will need:
Mason jar
plastic/ceramic figurines to go in your snow globe
gold oil-based paint (optional)
waterproof glue
glitter
glycerin
Instructions:
Using a waterproof glue
Glue the plastic/ceramic figurines to the inside of the jar lid.
Let them dry completely. 
If your figurines are too small to be seen once the lid is screwed on, you may want to glue them on top of a small block first to give them some height. 
Fill your Mason jar with water, a pinch of glitter, and a few drops of glycerin to keep the glitter from falling too quickly.
Assemble the snow globe by placing the lid on the jar and then screwing the cap on.
Turn your Mason jar over, shake, and enjoy!
(By Lauren Conrad)
A more detailed DIY tutorial can be found at Martha Stewart’s website.
I must try this out! Yuppie.

Craft winter globes with Mason Jar

What you will need:
  • Mason jar
  • plastic/ceramic figurines to go in your snow globe
  • gold oil-based paint (optional)
  • waterproof glue
  • glitter
  • glycerin
Instructions:
  1. Using a waterproof glue
  2. Glue the plastic/ceramic figurines to the inside of the jar lid.
  3. Let them dry completely. 
  4. If your figurines are too small to be seen once the lid is screwed on, you may want to glue them on top of a small block first to give them some height. 
  5. Fill your Mason jar with water, a pinch of glitter, and a few drops of glycerin to keep the glitter from falling too quickly.
  6. Assemble the snow globe by placing the lid on the jar and then screwing the cap on.
  7. Turn your Mason jar over, shake, and enjoy!

(By Lauren Conrad)

A more detailed DIY tutorial can be found at Martha Stewart’s website.

I must try this out! Yuppie.

Source: coffeestainedbooks.net dec2014 diy lauren conrad mason jar Snow Globes holiday crafts christmas crafts Archived2014