Walking alongside with depression.
I was carrying a few dark secrets for about two years now… That’s why I’m very close to my blog more than anything else in this world. I pushed everyone especially my mom faraway from me. The guilt, the horror, the pain, just the whole crumbling sticky nightmares were locked in the caves of my soul. I didn’t know what was happening to me and I couldn’t explain why I was getting such intrusive, wild, manic and pervasive thoughts. Throughout the struggle, I managed to stay alive. During the hardest times, all I wanted to know was an answer to my big fat WHY. At one point, I gave myself two choices, either to end my life or tell it out to someone. Telling out to someone was more scarier to me and recently, I did contemplated suicide. I was on the edge of falling. My mom was there to catch me. The things my grandma said to me came to my mind. I prayed. I prayed long and hard. I cried my heart out. I felt so lost. I couldn’t hear myself but I knew I can’t give up and it was then I called out all the names of every Gods in every religion. The ones I knew and the ones I haven’t heard of… I was in so much pain… mentally. I couldn’t break free. I was trapped and I couldn’t see the light. I couldn’t breathe and every breath made me question my existence.
I don’t know what came over me one day… Maybe because the two people in the world (my mom and grandma) who love me a lot and want to see me get better pushed me to climb out of the gutter to save myself. I told them, “you know what, I think I’ll just go see a psychiatrist, I need help”. And that was how my journey began
I’m not yet out of the forest but I’m out of the jungle.
This is my experience, the more negativity we exude the more we gravitate and attract the like. One by one people left out of my life and one by one good things came to me. I took time to think of the kind of people I allowed into my life. When I’m good, I attract the good and when I’m feeling horribly down, a lot of negativity surrounds my life.
Before being this journey, I often said this to others, “give yourself the permission to forgive and you’ll feel better”. I never took that advice… Like how many of us listen to our own advice? Anyway the same advice was given to me a few weeks ago. It was kind of an eyeopening thing for me because when hearing those words coming from someone else made me feel different, made me look at myself differently… I realized that I’m someone who never forgives herself. I hold on to the pain. I used to self-harming myself, I’m used to collecting bad memories like money and instead of collecting good memories, I often trapped myself in sadness and madness because that seemed normal for me. I don’t know why I’ve become the way I am today… I think I know why… I do know why but I don’t know how to explain it and it’s better left unsaid… I don’t like being the way I’ve become and I know I need to change. Time is running out and I want to grow not stale.
I came to learn that I need to build a piece of me. A piece of me which I subconsciously or maybe purposely left in all the place that tore me into pieces.
I simply need to let go, forgive myself and move on.
Through this journey, I’ve collected some good words: there’s a cure…. 2015 will be a good year for all of us… you’re getting better and I hope to see you get even more better…. never, never give up hope… there is still hope and lastly, don’t take the step you took forward to backward!